Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Turning 23

The more people get older, the more they don’t wanna reveal their real age. Well, I don’t know if I’m old enough to hide my age or not but turning 23 is pretty surprising. Man, that’s a lot. I thought I’m still forever 20. 

That day, September 22nd I turned 23. Yes, I’m one of those people who take birthday seriously, and after all the things happened to me lately, I said to myself I don’t wanna be sad anymore on my birthday. No more bad news, on that day, or forever. Anyway, there was a little surprise on my desk in the morning of the birthday, made by my coworkers, who turned out to be my best friends now. That’s sweet. Thanks, though.

gotta rip them off so I can check my email

And then I had lunch with my other best friends.  It was – as usual – turned out to be full of laugh kind of lunch. I mean we always make that kind of laugh that hurts people’s ears, lol. We’re not sorry, that’s just the way we behave. 

So, 23 huh? Nothing big happened to me that day. But it was a lovely day. A little surprise in the morning, fun lunch, warm hug from coworkers, virtual greetings on social media, a phone call from Mom in the morning. I can say that’s a joyful day. People who know what I’ve been going through lately were wishing me to keep being happy. Or, if I don’t find the happiness yet, it’ll come soon. I say amen to all the good prayers they threw to me. Thank you, people. That made my day.

Talking about 22, that was a complete age. That’s the age when I finished college, started a new job, trapped in a new atmosphere which I’m enjoying, got in a relationship and ended it just 3 weeks before I turned 23. So yeah, it’s a bunch of candies and espresso in a box. I felt the ups and downs, experienced the best and worst day, made the sweetest smile and the ugliest frown, printed the best and worst memories that I can’t seem to forget (yet). It’s an age full of laughter, smile, cry, and everything. It’s like everything is put into one. 

Now that I’m starting a new age. I don’t know how it will take me. But all I know that I learned a lot during my 22. 

Learned how to function my heart, mind and brain. 
Learned how to deal with my own shit. 
Learned how to appreciate every little things people have given me, even it’s the smallest portion of attention. 
Learned how to let go of things. 
Well yeah, it’s too many to mention.

I hope those lessons will make me a better person.  I might not start 23 beautifully, but heck I’m giving myself a birthday trip tomorrow. Finally I will get the first stamp on my passport. 

~~still virgin~~

So, happy birthday to me. Hope next years don’t suck. 

Anyway, I went to have pizza today and the place played Paper Aeroplanes’ Books. I just downloaded the full ‘Joy’ album and I guess I’m in love with it already. See, even music understands me better. Totally added to the playlist I’ll listen during traveling tomorrow. See ya on Monday, Jakarta. :) 

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Quoting Peter Pan

Ever since I was in high school, I always got along with grownups, or people who are 7 or 10 years older than me. I joined a site blogging network and that’s how I know them. And we’re still friends until now. I always saw my grownup friends are cool. They pay their own bills, they can travel and buy things with their own money, they are independent. I always wanna be like them.

And then I went to college. I was a bit like them. My parents gave me monthly allowance for me to live since I didn’t live in the same city as them. I got my own ATM (and debit) card. I can withdraw cash in an ATM, I can shop using the card. That’s cool. I finally got to be responsible with my own money. 

In college, I made friends with grownups too. They’re 10 years (or more) older than me. I found that they’re cool. Still. Living alone, paying their own bills, working, dealing with real shits at the office, going on a business trips to other city or abroad. That’s the part I always wanna be in my life. Working and paying my own bills. Being independent, that’s it.

It seems like I only define growing up or being independent from financial sight only. Yet, there’s still a lot than just being financially independent. That’s the sight I didn’t get. Financial is not the only thing to deal with when growing up. There’s still a lot. A lot.  

I am now living life I’ve always wanted. Or I used to want. Working, getting monthly salary, getting along with grownups, paying my own bills, not living with parents (on day to day basis). This is my 20’s. Wow, I grow up. 

But hey, I know I’ve been warned about the shitty part of growing up but I didn’t really buy it until….. until I get to experience by myself. Yes, I worked freelance in college. It was fun, well sometimes the job was too demanding, but still though, it was fun. I said to myself, I can’t wait to build my own career. Now I’m building it. And that’s the shitty part that everyone has been warning happened.

I know I should have not felt too surprised that it happened. Cause you know, I’ve been warned. And getting to experience shit I’ve been warned still feels pretty shitty, huh? I thought growing up is only about paying my own bills and I’m finally able to buy things or travel with my own money, but that’s not it.

Along the way, I’ll be facing more issues from family, friends, partner, coworkers, boss, clients, or probably just random strangers I found on the street during traveling. This is just a beginning. There’s still long way to go. But at least, every time shit appears, I still can cure it by buying my favorite food (hmmm, pasta) or traveling to places I’ve marked on the world map I used to hang in my room.

Growing old is a sure thing, but growing up is a choice. It’s 3 days before I turn 23. This is just a friendly reminder that I might get more shits in my so called growing-up-journey but hell yeah I know I can handle much shit. Lol, optimistic, as ever. 

Quoting Peter Pan below, after juggling with work on Saturday night and The Cardigans’ Rise & Shine playing on the radio. 

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Detaching Attachment

The hardest part of letting go is when you still have a strong attachment towards someone/something.

Just a week ago I broke up with my boyfriend. It’s nobody’s fault, it’s our decision. As a self-proclaimed heartless and professional loner, it’s still surprising that I finally get to experience that broken heart syndrome. Two nights of constant crying, losing appetite, and other silly stuffs.

At first, it’s saddening when I realize I can’t have someone I always look forward to. I lost my go-to person. For sharing stories, exchanging buzzfeed link quizzes, channeling opinion about something, discovering new music, etc.

And it even more sucks for having memories that I should have not remembered too strong but it keeps staying. It’s funny, though. It’s funny that I sometimes forget important things yet I still remember every little thing about him, or us. What clothes we wore on our first date or our last date before the breakup, our favorite She and Him song, his favorite pizza topping, his best friends’ name, his favorite TV show, and still so many things left in my mind. Some memories just live forever.

A best friend once told me, broken heart is intangible. Nothing will cure it but time.

Some took years to move on.
Some spent 18 weekends having buckets of ice cream alone in bedroom.
Some had 2 weeks of sleepless nights.
Some spent a week going solo traveling.
Some took only a month to let go of everything.

There’s no such standard. Everyone experiences different depth of scar.

But I've learned something. It’s silly but I realized that when we were together, most of my happiness source was him. I should have never made him the main source, because when it’s gone, my happiness level dropped and tadaaaaaaa! Even free sushi won’t help my appetite back. I should have not let him occupy most of my attention. I should have let myself live life like the one I used to have before I'm in relationship. Because falling in love is not mandatory, it's a complement. Let love complete some parts of my life, but not consume all the resources inside the mind and heart.

Well, maybe I should experience a broken heart, so I know how to grow. Let this experience make us be a better person, have a bigger heart, and let us learn to make a peace with our hearts and minds.
Maybe our path will cross again in future.
When we’re not lonely, but when we’re both ready.
When we can deal with our own shit.
When we’ve become two independent variables who still need and enjoy each other’s company.
When we’ve finally felt proportional attachment towards each other.
When we're able to give mutual effort.
When we're able to give without expecting a return.
It’s been only seven months, but it has printed a lot of memories. Thank you.

Anyway, this HAIM’s Wire is a cute broken heart song.

 “That you’re gonna be okay anyway”